KÜLA CLOTH:

For PREMIUM URINATORS.  The ultimate luxury wiping experience and the most luxurious and expensive toilet paper alternative in the universe. This Küla Cloth was designed for the most discriminating customer. Not recommended to be used on anything smaller than a 50ft yacht, preferably in French Polynesia. 

Gold-infused antimicrobial properties and woven with a diamond encrusted needle from magically absorbent silk fibers produced by an ancient spider who lives amongst of a cluster of amethyst crystals in a mountain lair next to a secret bubbling spring with healing waters.  

Hand-foraged, sustainable, one of a kind display branch is sold separately.  

Also, please note: this is a joke... as in... nothing I just wrote is real. Please do not buy this.